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GarlicIsTheAnswer
FINALLY saw it! SO HAPPY! SO HAPPY! OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saw it with my mom today. We watched the first one yesterday (my third viewing, her first. Some of her amusing thoughts HERE.)

I shall crosspost this to tumblr as well. Reblog if you like.
My thoughts are haphazard, mostly taken from notes I jotted down on my phone quickly during the afternoon, but here they are:


The intro kinda threw me for a loop, took me a few minutes to realize it was going WAY BACK, before the last movie. It was a good idea, I think, after I got over the oddness, because it reestablished the story and what was going on, added more to the overall story, and got us back up to speed for the movie. I don't know how it'll work when watching the movies all together in a big marathon, but considering it's been a year since the last one, I think it was a good idea.

OMG GIANT BEAR MAN YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. I liked him, a lot.

(My mom later declared 'the big round dwarf' her favorite because "he could suddenly run way faster than everyone else.")

Gratuitous slo-mo pony footage. : D

Butterflies wheeeeeeeeeee! I want that pic on my desktop, stat!

SPIDERS OH GOD NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOO. I hid my face in my hands for most of that. What I saw looked really good but I ... couldn't. Just ... no. Spiders bad. Bad bad bad. I liked the speech bits, that was good but ... auuuuggghhhhhhh.

YAY LEGOLAS YAY ... oh, damn, he's a racist little bastard, never mind: booooo! Don't you be insulting your future boyfriend, blondie!

YAY TAURIEL I LOVE YOU OMG I LOVE YOU YOU'RE SUCH A BADASS IN SENSIBLE CLOTHES I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOUR HAIR CAN I MARRY YOU WHEN KILI DIES.

They then get dragged to another gorgeous set and thrown in elf prison, and the camera teases us with flashes of Lee Pace and then finally Lee pace himself. He is glorious. He is also acting ... very strangely. I've seen Lee Pace act before, he's an odd duck but he's also a great actor. So IDK what's going on here, but he kinda sounds like he's orgasming here. It's ... weird. His tone is very strange and I don't get it. I also like how he sorta leans down to look Thorin in the eye.

(After the movie my mom and I were driving around running errands in the city and I talked about the elves and was like "Why are the elves such jerks?" and she responded "Well they're like Republicans: 'Got mine, get yours.'" I proceeded to laugh and agree and say "I gotta put that online!" and she was like "no, don't put that online!" So yeah, it is online now. Republican Elves. Thranduil is running on the Republican Ticket in 2016 I guess.)

OMG MORE ORCS YAAAAAAAY. I love the orcs, ok? I'm fascinated by them. I wanna know more. Even though almost everything in this movie has made the fanfic I'm planning ridiculously difficult and kind of OOC, whatever, I'm still gonna write it, because orcs. Orcs are cool, ok? They interest me.

Lol, Kili and Tauriel flirting about what's in his pants. I wanna see. I want you both to take off each other's pants, and make beautiful babies. Is there a porn parody yet, please god tell me there is, I wanna see.

I'm really sad that all their clothes and weapons and stuff are now in some locked room in Mirkwood now. D: I get really upset when people lose their stuff or it gets destroyed.

The barrel sequence was awesome! I loved it! So cool! So kinetic! Bombur kicking twelve kinds of ass! Go Bombur go!

Ratagast ILU. Good to see you again! Please don't you dare die, I will sob.

I approve of the Bard expansion. In the book I remember him as this random dude with like, one line, who slays the motherf*cking dragon, and I was like "wait, what? Really? This random guy kills the dragon?" Granted I read this at age 12, and again when I was 14 maybe, so I don't remember it all very well, but still! I'm glad they expanded on him. (My mom was confused and thought he was Orlando Bloom, not Legolas. Someone in costuming shoulda caught that and maybe changed up the facial hair. Or not. Seeing Will Turner and Legolas in the same movie is pretty fun.) I loved his daughters but I was kind of annoyed at the eldest daughter who screamed. Like, honey, a big monster is running at you and your family, grab something and chuck it at him. Grab a frying pan, slam it in his face, and his nads. Come on, you're like 16, you can do that.

Also HELLO STEPHEN COLBERT! THANK GOD FOR TUMBLR OR I WOULD NOT HAVE CAUGHT YOU!

There are POC in Lake Town! HUZZAH! Not just in the background either, featured prominently in many shots, framed as the focus in several cutaway shots of the crowd. Good on you, casting department, good on you. Not only do more women exist in this movie, more than white women exist.

Kili getting left behind made me wanna cry. I'm glad they split the party though, that was a good way to show differing perspectives and justify showing more stuff. I know it's padding of a sort but I don't give a fuck, this movie is well made and well casted and beautiful and fun and I don't give a fuck.

OMG GANDALF GANDALF FIGHTING. SAURON. SAURON OMG. I AM SO SCARED OMG. THAT WAS SO SCARY. AND GANDALF IS NOW IN A CAGE NOOOOOOO, SAVE HIM GALADRIEL. SAVE HIM WITH YOUR MIND BULLETS. DESTROY DOLL GALDULE OR HOWEVER THE FUCK YOU SPELL THAT, I HEARD ON THE MADE OF FAIL PODCAST THAT YOU CAN DESTROY IT WITH YOUR MIND, PLEASE DO THAT IN THE NEXT MOVIE AND SAVE GANDALF AND BE FABULOUS.

"I am not my grandfather" says Thorin, while standing in profile beside a giant stone statue of his grandfather. Auuuuuuggghhhhh, oh baby no.

Poor Bilbo, omg, after all this, he's gotta go in and face a dragon on his own. OH BABY NO. *hugs* (The character, not Martin Freeman, Martin Freeman is a bag of dicks and a terrible person.) He's gotta face a dragon all by himself. A dragon.

AND WHAT A DRAGON. OMG. OMG. OMG. SMAUG. GLORIOUS SMAUG. GLORIOUS GLORIOUS SMAUG.
Can we just take a moment. To bask. In the glorious, gorgeous, CGI, beautifulness, that is Smaug?
I just ... it was better than I could have hoped for. He was so huge. I was so scared. So awestruck. He also sounded pretty much nothing like Benedict Cumberbatch, which made me happy, because if he'd sounded too much like him, it'd have been distracting to me, I think. I liked the scary voice and the reverb and all. It was perfect. I loved the wings and his clawed hands and how his belly heated up before blasting out fire. I loved him all, he was glorious. I might have nightmares tonight. He was fantastic. *drools a bit*

I have two notes my phone that read "Thorin, you cray" and "Thorin: worst boyfriend ever." Because seriously, I wanted to scream in rage and then cry a lot when Thorin pulled his sword on Bilbo. And we started to see him going all gold/Arkenstone/goooooold crazy. It makes me sad, here's this noble, cool guy, and he's about to be a giant bag of dicks and go mad with gold fever and lose all his friends and then DIE and his pretty nephews are gonna die with him and it makes me REALLY SAD. THE NEXT MOVIE IS GONNA HURT ME SO MUCH I AM SO SCARED.

That whole mine forge fight sequence was utterly insane and I loved it so much. And I really thought Thorin was gonna rescue Bilbo in that wheelbarrow, then no, he surfed out of there on the molten gold and was like "find your own way out, dude!" Like wtf man, you are tsundere-ing so hard here you're just being a dick.

Oh my god Thorin so brave/reckless, taunting Smaug like that, oh my god, I'd have peed myself and fainted.

I kind of loved that Smaug got distracted by the giant gold statue and was all like "awwww, pretty!"

And then Smaug has a magical girl transformation, spins around all gold and glittery, and I was like "awwww, so pretty!"

And then he zoomed away to kill Lake Town and the movie ENDED and everyone in the theater made this collective noise of frustration like "auuuughhhh nooooo!" It was frustrating and beautiful at the same time. I dunno how I feel about this, really. I mean, the last movie had a good solid ending, though it was obvious there'd be more, it ended well. This just abruptly cuts out. There's a lot for the next movie, the Lake Town burning, Smaug's death, Thorin going all Gold Fever, the 5 Armies Battle thing which will be EPIC AS FUCK I CAN'T WAIT OMG I'M GONNA DANCE AND SCREAM AND PUNCH THE AIR IT WILL BE SO METAL, and Thorin dying (I will weep forever) and Bilbo going home and settling back down. That's a lot for 3 hours. They'll do it, I know, but wow. I thought they'd at least get Lake Town on fire in this one.

The music was great. The sets were beautiful. The costuming was exquisite. The acting was all spot-on. The locations were the best, as always. The fight scenes were exciting. The pace was excellent, I never got tired or felt the nearly three-hour length, it was a great sit and kept me very engaged, fast action was followed by slower scenes, and broken up very nicely. Other movies would do well to learn from this one.



Later I got to skype with my boyfriend. He saw this movie yesterday, so perfect timing! We talked a lot. We kept trying to remember what was in the book and what wasn't, and googling for answers. He took some of the menace out of the Sauron scene by saying it was kinda funny to him, because it was all "We're gonna zoom in infinitely, like with doge" and then I couldn't stop giggling.

Then we got into a long discussion of the economics of Middle Earth, because seriously that huge pile of gold would break it. The fact that SMAUG (HUGE ASS BEAST) can Scrooge McDuck that gold is just insane. And as my boyfriend pointed out "Do Elves even care about gold?" I have no idea. They care about the freaking starlight gems or whatever, IDK about gold. What does the gold do? That much gold is just too much gold.


Next movie please?

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
tigriswolf
Jan. 16th, 2014 06:40 pm (UTC)

My little sister and I decided that Smaug must be the largest dragon ever in a film. Seriously, he is so huge.

Also, Fili&Kili are probably going to have the most epic death scene and it will be heartbreaking. (Do you remember that they only get a single line about their deaths in the book? Dude. I'm so glad I didn't care about them at all when I read it in 8th grade.)

And my dad was so pissed when the movie ended; he didn't realize it was the second of three. *hee*
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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