Title: Birthday Party, Cheesecake, Jelly Bean, Boom! (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Dr. Insano)

Rating: R for language, scenes of a sexual nature, and yours truly messing with beloved internet figures.

Word Count: 6,055 (possibly my longest fic yet.)

Characters: Linkara, Dr. Insano, the Nostalgia Critic, the Nostalgia Chick, Marzgurl, ThatChickWithTheGoggles, Spoony, Benzaie, Angry Joe, Ma-Ti, and some unexpected guests …

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. They are all the online personas of real live people, whose videos can be found here http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/ and here http://www.cinemassacre.com/new/. I mean no offense, pray that this does not attract Bennet the Sage, am making no money, and would love it if I were not sued. I do not own the SuicideGirls ™, nor mean any disrespect towards them; that whole bit is purely based upon an in-joke from the end of one of Spoony’s videos.

Warnings: Slash, het, and LesYay! Deranged storyline! My bad attempts at writing the AVGN! My poor attempts to write action sequences! Did I mention the deranged storyline?

Summary: In a world … where Dr. Insano has taken over the world (with SCIENCE!) Linkara leads a small band of freedom fighters from TGWTG.com (along with some … unexpected allies) against the insidious mad scientist and his robots of death! Highjinks, tragedy, and overwhelming geekitude ensues.

A/N: If you have no idea who these characters are, I highly recommend the links in the disclaimer section above, because it’s fantastic and there’s something for everyone. If you’re lazy, the basic gist is that Linkara is an internet persona who reviews really bad comics. He arch enemy is Dr. Insano the future self of Spoony a mad scientist alter-ego of Spoony’s (another reviewer.) Dr. Insano was recently was elected president on the platform of cutting Canada off the top of North America and attaching it to Australia. No, seriously. Anyhoodle … I had an idea … and here’s the results!

(P.S. About the title … if you catch all the references, you’re even geekier than me.)

(P.P.S. The Insano-Bots do not speak like DEATH. That’s just your imagination.)

As per usual of most of my fics, a majority of this was written late at night and into the early hours of the morning, so it’s either genius or horribufuckus ™ If you spot any typos please let me know!

(Edit: now dramatically read HERE!)

~*~

No one expected him to succeed.

I mean, honestly, would you have? Push-and-Eat Macaroni? Moonlighting on the Supervillains Shopping Network? Not exactly the makings of a world-conqueror. In fact, it wasn’t until his time-manipulation machines started working that we began to take him seriously, and by then, it was too late.

The summer after the Brawl he appeared out of the clear blue with a gigantic army of deathbots. He made a beeline straight for Linkara, and it took all of Linkara’s skill to escape that one to sound the alarm and round us up. Channel Awesome made a final stand against Insano’s force, and we suffered heavy losses as a result: Handsome Tom (and 8-Bit Mickey), Bennet the Sage, Sean the Epic Fail Guy, Lee and Dena Davidge, and even Ask That Guy (the things that he did to that last volley of robots …I still have nightmares about it …)

We lost.

We lost, and Dr. Insano launched his campaign for World Domination (of course …) first taking America, and then extending his reach to the world. Governments resisted, and were crushed. Canada deployed snipers, and after Dr. Insano defeated them as well, he made good on his word and ripped Canada from the continent, transported it thousands of miles, rotated it 180°, and attached it below Australia. Refugees flocked to the bewildered new country, and for the most part, Dr. Insano let them be. Other countries were not so lucky. In fact, no other country was as lucky. The populations were either massacred and zombified for gladiator fights, or run through the Obedience Domes until they might as well have been zombies. Dr. Insano seemed to have a deranged sort of soft spot for Austranada … then again, he did create it himself.

Three weeks after Austranada was made official and we received reports from That Aussie Guy that the Obedience Domes there were much milder than the ones around the rest of the world (they weren’t having any affect on the populace and were more like after-school specials than the brain-washing machines that were taking place everywhere else) Paw proposed to Little Miss Gamer. She said yes, and that night, without telling anyone, they eloped to Austranada to live out their lives in peace.

The rest of us vowed to continue fighting. We would defeat Dr. Insano and free the world from his tyrannical, insane reign. This wasn’t over, not by –

“Spoony?”

The man in the chair looked around guiltily, switching off his webcam as discreetly as he could. “Yeah?”

Benzaie was leaning in the doorway. “The NCs are still woozy from getting zapped the other day,” he said, adjusting the strap of his huge ray gun. “You, me, and Joe have patrol duty this afternoon.”

Spoony smiled faintly, locating his own ray gun and slipping on his jacket. “Just our luck, eh? Does Linkara have a special mission for us?”

“Besides not getting killed?” Benzaie made an exaggerated expression of thinking. “Uh … no.”

Spoony nodded. “Ok,” he glanced longingly at the webcam perched on his dusty bookcase before heading out the door, Benzaie close behind him.

~*~

“Take that, ya motherfuckin’ cocksuckers!”

Spoony, Benzaie, and Angry Joe exchanged looks of surprise.

“Was that –?” Spoony began, before pausing to listen to yet another distant tirade.

“My mom writes better programs than the shit you’ve got running through your mainframes, Transformer-knock-offing, chrome-domed assholes!”

“The only person who swears like that is me, and I do that in French,” Benzaie said.

Angry Joe shouldered his gun. “Devastatingly Awesome Trio, let us move out!”

Spoony nodded. “Agreed.”

The three men raced down the street, keeping an eye out for stray robots. They rounded a corner and found themselves in a courtyard, where the Angry Video Game Nerd (looking slightly worse for wear) was tossing boomerang pens at robots from atop the crumbling remains of a fountain while his Guitar Guy, Kyle, was warding off three or four robots with only his signature instrument.

“Attack!” Joe roared, zapping at the largest group of robots.

Arcs of blue and green light filled the courtyard. Boomerang pens sliced through the air, and Kyle’s guitar ka-thunked satisfyingly against metal. Together, the men made short work of the Insano-Bots.

As the smoke cleared and Kyle finished off the last robot, the Devastatingly Awesome Trio strode over to the AVGN.

“Hey, aren’t you guys …?” The AVGN scowled. “Right, you’re with him.”

Benzaie blinked. “Qui?”

Spoony elbowed the Frenchman in the side. “He means the Critic,” he hissed. Addressing the Nerd, he said “Technically we’re with Linkara. Everyone is now. Well, everyone who’s alive and resisting Dr. Insano.”

The AVGN eyed Spoony suspiciously. “These two were on my side at the Brawl,” he nodded at Angry Joe and Benzaie. “But you weren’t.” he tilted his head to the side. “Anyone ever told you that you that look an awful lot like Dr. Insano?”

Spoony rolled his eyes. “Oh, fine, make personal comments to the guys who just saved your ass!”

“My ass was perfectly fine when you showed up, clone-boy!”

Spoony shoved his gun at Benzaie. “Ok, that’s it, screw continuing humanity! Only way you’re coming back to the hideout is in a body bag, Irate Gamer!”

The AVGN decked Spoony hard, but Spoony had learned how to take a punch. Rolling back, he straightened up and tackled the Nerd to the ground. They rolled towards the fountain, away from their companions, punching at each other furiously.

“So, you do music, huh?” Angry Joe said conversationally to Kyle, who was idly running his hand along the neck of his guitar.

“Yeah.” Kyle nodded, discovering a dent in his instrument and sighing heavily.

“Theme songs?” Angry Joe pressed.

“Until Dr. Insano took over, yes.”

“Cool,” Joe straightened up, clearing his throat. “You know, I’ve been looking for a theme song –”

“Uh, guys?” Benzaie nodded at the two fighters. “Shouldn’t we break them up before they kill each other? I mean, I’m desperate for amusement too, but Linkara will kill us if we come home with two dead bodies.”

“Good point,” Angry Joe strode forward, pulling the combatants apart. “All right, all right, that’s enough!” he shoved the AVGN towards Kyle, holding Spoony back with difficulty. “Mr. Nerd, I’m sure you’ve been through a lot lately, but the fact remains that we’re some of the last people on Earth with our brains un-fucked-up. It’d sure be nice to keep ’em that way.” He let go of Spoony, and silenced him with a glare. “Come on, we’d better get back to the hideout before more robots show up.”

Kyle and the AVGN hesitated.

“Unless you have somewhere else to be?” Benzaie asked, feigning concern.

The AVGN shrugged. “Whatever. Crashing with that shit-for-brains Critic is better than sleeping in the subway … but only just.”

~*~

“NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD!”

The Nostalgia Chick clamped her hands over her ears. “Shut up, Critic!”

“NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD!”

Marzgurl threw a pillow at the Critic. It didn’t deter him at all.

“NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE –!”

Smack.

“Shut the hell up, Critic, some of us are trying to sleep!” ThatChickWithTheGoggles rolled over on the couch, hugging the pillow Marzgurl had thrown.

“N–”

Goggles sat up and took off her goggles, fixing the Critic with her best glare. “Swear to god, Critic, you shout in here one more time …” she let the words hang in the air, standing up and pursing her lips. When the Critic made a ‘meep’ sort of noise and sat down on the couch, she nodded. “Good boy.”

The AVGN snorted. “Dude, she’s got you whipped but good.”

Goggles flashed a warning look at the Nerd, and he too fell silent.

Marzgurl coughed. “Well, uh … this is a … surprise.” She smiled weakly at the AVGN and Kyle. “Uh, I’m Marzgurl, that’s Goggles, and, um … him,” Marzgurl nodded at the Critic, “then the Nostalgia Chick, you already know Spoony and Benzaie and Joe, Ma-Ti,” – Ma-Ti waved cheerfully at the Nerd, who just stared at him – “and … Linkara’s still asleep. He’s the leader. Kind of. Well, he’s Dr. Insano’s nemesis. So … yeah.”

The Nerd gazed around the small cramped room: littered with couches and chairs, a humming refrigerator on the far wall and a counter laden with kitchen utensils and boxes of cereal. There was the door that they’d come in through – after going down two flights of stairs, rappelling through an elevator shaft, and crawling into a hidden door in a supply closet – and another door that led to a long hallway with doors branching off of it. Grouped around a flickering TV and spread out over the couches and chairs were eight people: Marzgurl, her hair dyed battle red; ThatChickWithTheGoggles, her goggles looking distinctly mechanized and wearing shorter hair than ever; the Nostalgia Critic, his tie singed, his shirt stained, his jacket ripped; the Nostalgia Chick, bowtie gone, hair braided and pinned down, and long jagged scar running along her leg; Spoony, his hair long and in a ponytail, with makings of a beard on his face; Benzaie, a scar cut across his mouth; Joe, looking almost at ease with the state of things but constantly twitching to make sure that his gun was at his side; and finally Ma-Ti, who looked exactly the same as before, except for the fact that he was wearing combat boots.

“Is this it?” the Nerd asked. “I mean, of the Resistance?”

Marzgurl bit her lip. “Well … we started out a lot bigger, but then there was the battle and … we lost a lot of people.” she ducked her head and sniffed heavily. The Nostalgia Chick reached over the back of the couch and patted Marzgurl on the arm.

Silence dragged on. The Critic hadn’t taken his eyes off of the Nerd, and kept looking like he dearly wanted to say something, but then he’d glance at Goggles, slump a bit, and lose his nerve.

“What the fuck is that?” the Nerd asked, staring at the TV.

“That is what we call a television …” the Critic said slowly, widening his eyes in mock-concern. “Did nasty Dr. Insano’s wobots hit the big bad Angry Video Game Nerd on the head?”

The AVGN scowled. “I know what a TV is, fucktard, I was talking about the hot chick.”

There was indeed a beautiful woman on TV. As Ma-Ti scrambled for the remote, Kyle sat down on the couch, gazing at the screen and grabbing a protein bar from the table.

Crunching on the bar, Kyle said “I wasn’t aware that there were still transmissions operating … then again, we have been moving around a lot. Wasn’t time to check if the cable was still operational.”

“It’s not cable,” growled a new voice.

Everyone jumped, whirling around to see Linkara standing in the doorway, running a hand through his bed-head and rubbing his eyes. He looked relatively unchanged, but closer inspection showed that there was a certain hardness around the edges that hadn’t been there before. “It’s Dr. Insano’s channel. The only channel.”

Ma-Ti finally located the remote and turned on the volume.

“Hi, I’m Raven,” purred the sensuous woman on the TV screen. “And we SuicideGirls here at Dr. Insano’s harem want you to know,” the camera panned back to show a slew of pierced, tattooed women with multi-colored hair strewn over a large bed. The women chorused “Worship Insano! Your lives will be spared … if you’re unique enough!” they giggled and started a pillow-fight, Raven winking at the camera before diving into the melee.

“Nnnnnnggggggh!” the men groaned, drooling as the camera showed two SuicideGirls descending into a passionate kiss.

The Nostalgia Chick switched the TV off. “You guys are pathetic.”

Marzgurl nodded, crossing her arms. “Insano shows a little girl-on-girl, and you’re ready to report to his Obedience Domes?”

The men hung their heads in shame.

“Sorry …” Spoony said.

“We’re weak …” the Nostalgia Critic added, sighing heavily.

“Heart …” Ma-Ti whimpered.

Linkara coughed delicately. “So … who’s up for patrol duty tonight?”

“Me, you, and the Chick.” Marzgurl said, shooting another glare at Spoony, who was making a grab for the remote.

“Good, then let’s get out there. Who knows, maybe we’ll find some more unexpected guests.” Linkara eyed the Nerd and the Critic, who were back to sizing each other up like alley cats. “Try not to kill each other while I’m away, will you? We need all the help we can get.” he drew his pistol and headed for the exit, Marzgurl and the Chick at his heels.

As soon as the hatch door closed, the Critic stood up, shrugging off Goggles’ warning arm and glaring at the Nerd. “My room, five minutes.” He stepped forward, so that he and the Nerd were practically nose-to-nose. “Let’s settle this once and for all …”

~*~

Linkara groaned and rolled over, coming face-to-chest with an impressive display of cleavage.

“Whuh?!” Linkara sat up, looking around wildly. This wasn’t his room at the hideout, it was a huge, well-lit room decked out in a sickening array of rainbow, gothic lace, and pink. And the women around him weren’t the women of the Resistance, they were the SuicideGirls. Dr. Insano’s harem. He was lying on a bed in a room full of beautiful women, many of whom were scantily clad.

“What the hell?!” Linkara hoarsely asked. Desperately, he thought back to his last memories. He and Marzgurl and Goggles had been out on patrol and tracking some robots, hoping to find more humans with unaltered minds like the AVGN and Kyle. They’d split up, intending to meet up in a courtyard … but when Linkara gotten there, he’d run straight into a platoon of Insano-Bots. He’d fought them with everything he had, but there’d been too many. Instead of frying him, however, they’d hit him over the head … and brought him here.

“So, you’re the nemesis …” the SuicideGirl lying on the bed next to Linkara stretched like a cat and rolled onto her back, smirking as she saw Linkara’s eyes moving over her. “You’re all Insano ever talks about –”

“Raven,” one of the other girls piped up, “Insano said we should alert him when Linkara woke up. He’s awake now …”

Raven – the woman lying next to Linkara, sat up and shot the girl a nasty look. “And your point is …?”

The girl toyed with her lip ring. “It’s just, I don’t want to make him angry at us …”

“He never pays attention to us, Maggie,” Raven snapped. “Any attention, beyond orders to shoot those disgusting infomercials, would be a welcome change.” She turned back to Linkara and smiled, annoyance vanishing, “Now then, let’s get you out of those clothes.”

Linkara’s eyebrows shot up past his hairline. “Wait, what?” he made some feeble attempts at resistance as Raven began unbuttoning his shirt.

“This could be our last chance, ladies. But I get first go!” Raven called over her shoulder as the rest of the harem began creeping closer. “We’re not what you think we are, Linkara …”

“Really?” Linkara squeaked as another girl began untying his boots.

“Insano never … plays with us.” Raven slid onto Linkara’s lap. “You know what I mean?”

“Eh?” Linkara managed, watching as Raven took his hat and placed it on her own head.

“We’re just for show. We’re all beards.” Raven sighed heavily, leaning down to Linkara. “It gets boring in here sometimes. I mean, we’ve got each other, but some of us just aren’t into that …” Raven grinned. “Myself included.”

Before Linkara could answer, Raven dove down and kissed him, practically swallowing his face in her desperation.

While Linkara was busy trying to figure out how (and if) he should get out of this situation, Raven shifted her hips and began humping him, slowly but surely driving every thought from Linkara’s mind. So what if he was trapped inside the lair of his enemy? He was trapped in a room full of hot chicks who wanted to jump him. Wasn’t that a dream come true?

BANG.

The girls scattered. Blearily, Linkara sat up to see several Insano-Bots in the doorway, standing on the remains of the door and the barricade the girls had constructed before it.

“THE CREATOR SUMMONS ARCH-NEMESIS LINKARA TO HIS CHAMBERS.”

Casting a regretful look at Raven and the rest of the cowering SuicideGirls, Linkara stood up, slid on his boots, and put his hat back on.

Reality had literally broken down the door: Linkara was in the lair of his enemy, an enemy that had been trying to kill/imprison/utterly destroy him for years.

Nothing short of a miracle was going to get him out of this one alive.

~*~

“I need help here!”

Spoony – who’d been half-asleep on the couch – sat up and grabbed his gun from the coffee table in a blind panic. Whirling around to where the voice had come from, he set down the gun and vaulted over the couch. “Marzgurl? What happened?!”

“Damn robots …” growled the Nostalgia Chick, clinging to Marzgurl as they staggered into the room. “Make Insano wish he was never born … owie owie ow!”

Together, Marzgurl and Spoony managed to get the Nostalgia Chick onto the couch and start cleaning and dressing her wounds.

“Nothing’s broken or sprained, but those Insano-bots got ya but good.” Marzgurl said, letting the Chick squeeze her hand as Spoony put iodine on her largest cut.

“Fuck … yeah, they got me bad, but not as bad as they got Linkara.” the Chick slumped.

Spoony looked up. “What do you mean? Wait …” Spoony looked around the room. Lowering his voice, he asked “Marz. Where is Linkara?”

Marzgurl pressed her lips together, eyes brimming with tears. “Right now he’s probably in Dr. Insano’s Lair, strapped to an experiment table and getting prepped to be turned into a robot.”

Spoony stared at her in horror. “But … we’re going to rescue him, right?”

“Of course we are, you idiot!” Marzgurl snapped, rubbing her eyes furiously. “But not tonight. If Linkara’s not dead already, he won’t be for a while. Insano’s been chasing him for years, he’ll want to mess with him for a good long time. We’ll tell everyone in the morning and make a plan. Right now we need to sleep.” Marzgurl blinked, spotting Spoony’s pillow and blanket on the opposite couch. “Why were you sleeping out here?”

“Oh, uh … NC’s in the room next to mine.”

Marzgurl raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, and?”

Spoony blushed, toying with his ponytail. “Well, right after you guys left, the Critic challenged the Nerd to a fight, and they went into his room and … haven’t left since.”

The Nostalgia Chick groaned. “If they’ve killed each other, I swear to god I’m –”

“Uh, from the sounds of things, they weren’t fighting. At least, not in the sense you’re thinking.” Spoony cringed, grinning uncomfortably. “Come on, don’t you get it?” he made a lewd gesture with his hands.

“Oh, eww!” Marzgurl yelped, clapping her hands over her face and shaking her head. “Did not need to know that, Spoony!”

The Nostalgia Chick just stared at him, her face slowly twisting into an expression of disgust. “Well, I’m glad they finally did it, but … ugh.” she shivered. “I need to sleep, and forget I ever saw you imply what I just saw you imply.” She patted Marz – who was still shaking her head and groaning – on the back and stretched out on the couch, gingerly adjusting her wounded limbs until she reached some semblance of comfort.

Spoony grabbed his pillow and blanket, still smirking, and headed back to his webcam, mind reeling like a drunk.

“Night, Marz,” the Nostalgia Chick yawned, pulling a large towel over herself as a blanket.

“Night, Nostalgia Chick,” Marzgurl settled herself on the other couch and turned off the light.

“Hey, Marz?”

“Yeah?”

“You’ve already got a plan, haven’t you?” the Nostalgia Chick’s tone was half hopeful, half accusatory.

“Yeah, I do.” Marzgurl said, staring up at the dark ceiling.

“So, how are we going to do it?” the Chick pressed. “All those robots, not to mention Insano himself … how are we going to rescue Linkara?”

Marzgurl rolled over, and didn’t reply.

~*~

“ARCH-NEMESIS LINKARA, AS YOU REQUESTED, MASTER.” the Insano-bots chorused, standing before a large door.

No sooner had the robots spoken, the door slid open of its own accord and Linkara found himself being shoved inside by the Insano-Bots. It really wasn’t comforting when the mindless robotic drones of death were pushing you into a room they didn’t dare enter.

Just as he was beginning to consider the effectiveness of his ‘I am a MAN!!!’ punch within Dr. Insano’s lair, something crashed into him and slammed him against the wall.

After the initial shock had worn off, Linkara saw that it was Dr. Insano himself, multicolored goggles mere inches from Linkara’s nose.

Before Linkara could say or do anything, Dr. Insano had gone and done something truly insane, even for him.

He’d kissed Linkara.

As Linkara was kissed by his arch-enemy of several years, he began to realize that Dr. Insano was no longer the weak little scientist he remembered. He’d been working out, or using some kind of unholy steroids, and was keeping Linkara against the wall fairly easily. That was just as scary as the fact that the mad doctor was kissing him on the lips.

The second Insano broke away, Linkara started babbling. However, Insano also began groping him rather insistently around that time, so Linkara’s babbling wasn’t exactly coherent.

“Is there something wrong with your air filtration system? Because, your harem just tried to jump me, and now you’re … kissing me, and … ooooooh, doing that … and, well, it’s rather … ahhh … suspicious behavior …” Linkara abandoned the grueling task of talking.

“Have you looked in a mirror lately, Linkara?” Insano asked, beginning to work at Linkara’s belt. “You were cute enough back when you were just sitting on that futon reviewing bad comics and effortlessly foiling my schemes … but now you’re the leader of the Resistance,” he unzipped Linkara’s pants and grinned. “That alone made you go from handsome to sexy in a week. Besides,” he slid his hand into the other man’s pants, giggling as Linkara started to moan. “As I’m sure they informed you, I don’t make use of my harem in the way that people traditionally have. They’re just a show. Amusing, but a show nonetheless. You’re the one that I really want.”

Suddenly Insano withdrew his hand, seized Linkara by the shoulders, and flung him up onto the table in the center of the room. The leader of the Resistance attempted some resistance as Dr. Insano clambered up onto the table as well and began straddling him, but all Linkara managed to do was send the various items scattered over the table – papers, beakers, coffee mugs, Red Bull cans, maps – crashing onto the floor.

“Oh yes, fight, struggle …” Dr. Insano laughed, pinning Linkara’s hands to the table. “You’re only delaying the inevitable. That pitiful gang of yours will never get past my robots of death. I have taken over the world, and now I have you at my mercy. You’ve meddled in my affairs for the last time, Linkara, and now you will know the full measure of my wrath!” Then he dove down and kissed his arch-nemesis on the lips. Again.

Linkara gulped, staring up at the blinding overhead lights.

This was, officially, his weirdest day ever.

~*~

The next morning, Marzgurl shifted from foot to foot impatiently. “Where’s NC and the Nerd? Everyone else is accounted for!”

As if on-cue, the Nostalgia Critic and the AVGN stumbled down the hallway and into the main room, slightly disheveled and looking incredibly pleased with themselves. The Nerd was wearing the Critic’s t-shirt, and the Critic was wearing the Nerd’s button-down.

“What were you doing in his room?” Goggles asked, eying the Nerd suspiciously.

“Uh …” the AVGN looked uncomfortable and scratched his head. “Fighting?”

“Oh yes!” the Nostalgia Critic nodded enthusiastically. “Lots of … fighting.” he began to look severely uncomfortable as well.

“Mmmm-hmmmm …” Goggles gave them both a good long look, then turned back to Marzgurl. “So, what’s the plan, fearless leader?”

Marzgurl stabbed the map of Dr. Insano’s lair with a kitchen knife. “We go in and take out that bastard. All-out strike. He’ll never see it coming. We’ve been laying low for so long, he thinks we’re just a bunch of meddling kids … but he took Linkara,” Marzgurl snarled, making a few members of the team jump back in alarm. “Insano’s goin’ down. Who’s with me?”

Everyone raised their hands. Ma-Ti raised both, looking panicked but brave.

Marzgurl smiled, nodding to herself. “Prepare yourselves. We move out in twenty minutes.”

~*~  

Linkara hadn’t slept. On the rare occasion that Dr. Insano had taken a break to rest or fetch some food, Linkara had been too busy grappling with his sanity and devising escape plans to do something like sleep.

He liked women. Really, he did. He was certain of that. But then again, he’d never really given much thought to going gay, especially with Dr. Insano of all people.

So, did that make him bisexual now, or just heterosexual-with-Insano-tendencies?

Yes, he’d been scared out of his mind during the first couple of rounds, but it had been pretty enjoyable thus far, in spite of his initial misgivings. (Again: Dr. Insano.) There was the unspoken fact that if he tried to leave, Insano would order his robots to vaporize him or something, and Insano kept laughing at inappropriate moments, but beyond that …

Linkara was beginning to give more though to his original ‘something in the air filters’ theory. Archenemies were not supposed to have sex, and both of them certainly weren’t supposed to enjoy it if they did.

“I’ve been thinking of killing you and reanimating you right after, so you’ll never age … wouldn’t that be nice?” Insano idly remarked after his latest coffee run.

Linkara just stared at him. They hadn’t moved from the table, and now most of their clothes were scattered around along with the files and Red Bull cans on the floor.

“Of course, you’d probably loose your consciousness along the way, and as much as I like the idea of you licking my head, I don’t want you trying to eat my brains … ah well,” Insano shrugged. “I’ll think of something to keep you under control. This is all very well for now, but I can’t have you getting ideas about escaping or trying to overthrow me …” Insano lightly shoved Linkara back down and retrieved his iconic hat from the floor. “Put this back on.”

The door slid open. Instead of robots on the threshold, however, it was the Resistance.

While everyone stared at each other in shock, Linkara flung himself from the table and began tugging on his pants. “Get him, get him!” he yelped.

The Resistance complied, surging forward and attacking Insano.

“Nobody rapes Linkara on our watch!”

“That’s for Linkara, Dr. Lame-O!”

“You stupid sack of science!”

Pants secured and t-shirt back on, Linkara parted the melee and stared down at the bruised and beaten Dr. Insano.

“I am a MAN!!!” Linkara roared, delivering one final punch to the scientist.

Dr. Insano crumpled to the ground, unconscious.

“Oh my god what did he do to you?!” Marzgurl yelped, throwing her arms around Linkara. “I thought he was just going to turn you into a robot, not … ugh …”

“It’s fine, Marz, really. And I am so glad that you guys got here in time.” Linkara began putting on his jacket, avoiding everyone’s eyes and trying to hold off on having a complete mental break down.

“Er, guys? What’s that?” the Nostalgia Chick asked nervously.

Everyone whirled around. A bright red light on Dr. Insano’s console was flashing. Suddenly, the words ‘Outpost #237, Antarctica’ appeared on the screen, and a crackling transmission began:

“MASTER. I AM THE LAST SURVIVING INSANO-BOT. YOUR OBEDIENCE DOMES HAVE BEEN DESTROYED. YOUR FORTRESSES AND GLADIATOR RINGS HAVE BEEN CRUSHED. MY POWER SUPPLY HAS BEEN CUT AND I TOO AM FAILING. SEE THE FULL SCALE OF THIS HORROR.”

The viewscreens flooded with video footage, some with sound, some without, mostly shaky hand-held reels, but all of the same things: piles of smoking rubble where there had once been the symbols of Dr. Insano’s mighty empire.

“Whoa …” Goggles said.

“Badass.” Joe whispered reverently.

“That’s … a lot of fish.” the Nostalgia Critic intoned. The AVGN elbowed him in the side in response.

Ma-Ti voiced what everyone was thinking. “But, if we didn’t do all of that … then who did?”

Before anyone had a chance to gulp, the door was blasted open.

The Nostalgia Critic’s jaw dropped.

“Suede?!” gasped everyone in the room.

“The one and only,” the brown jacketed New Zealander gazed around, gigantic gun still smoking profusely. “I see that you didn’t find anyone to replace me … shame, that …”

“Why … whuh … how ....” the Nostalgia Critic babbled.

The AVGN patted him on the shoulder. “What I believe my esteemed colleague is trying to say is, ‘Why the fuck have you shown up now?’”

Suede pointed at the calendar. “My missionary duties ended three days ago. Then I broke out the really big guns.” he grinned, craning his neck, “Benzaie, is that you back there?”

“Mon Dieu!” Benzaie yelped, launching himself across the room and towards the Mormon warrior. Suede barely had enough time to drop his gun before the Frenchman hit him full-force and knocked him to the floor, where he proceeded to kiss him passionately. He began kissing every inch of the New Zealander he could reach, and after each kiss he whispered “I loe you … I loe you … I loe you …”

A wave of hysterical giggles distracted everyone but the couple on the floor from … well, the couple on the floor.

Dr. Insano was laughing, goggles askew, cuts bleeding viciously. “You think you’ve won, do you? Well, you’ll never get the satisfaction of taking me alive!” and before anyone could move, Insano staggered to his feet and dove out of the window.

Everyone – even Benzaie and Suede – ran to the windows, but it was too late to do anything but watch as the man in the white lab coat plummeted down into the unending crevice that had been excavated when the Insano Fortress was constructed.

“Well …” Linkara coughed, pulling away from the window. “Uh … that was … unsettling.”

“Least we don’t have to debate about killing him or not now, huh?” the AVGN said. “I’m glad the fucker’s dead.”

“You sure about that?” Spoony asked, eyeing the pit nervously. “He could still be alive.”

“No one could survive a fall like that. Even if he was a robot.” Joe glanced at Linkara. “Was he a robot?”

“No, Joe,” Linkara said, leaning against the wall tilting his head back, eyes shut. “I’m pretty sure he wasn’t a robot.”

They all stared at the viewscreens for a while, watching the hand-held cameras pan shakily across piles of rubble that used to be Obedience Domes, stretches of gravel that used to be gladiator pits, and smoking craters where Insano’s fortresses had been.

“I take it back …” the Nostalgia Critic said, watching as some civilians began piling up pieces of robots and sticking flags atop them.

“Take what back?” the AVGN asked.

“Suede is what the Cloverfield monster should have been.”

They stared in silence some more.

“Yeah, you’re right.” the AVGN replied, nodding to himself.

Linkara was looking at the screens, but in reality he was busy sorting through his mind. He’d been shoved into this room last night expecting to die, and had instead been jumped by his arch-nemesis, and the jumping part hadn’t been all that bad. Insano probably would have killed him, though. And now Linkara had been rescued, Insano was probably dead, and the world was saved.

He needed a shower, a drink, and about three days of sleep, but there simply wasn’t time.

“Marzgurl,” Linkara offered his arm gallantly, “Shall we go rebuild the Earth?”

Marzgurl took his arm and grinned. “Most definitely.”

The Nostalgia Critic punched the AVGN, who retaliated by grabbing him, dipping him, and planting a romantic kiss on his lips … and then dropping the Critic to the floor and laughing.

Benzaie leaned against Suede. The New Zealander put his arms around the Frenchman and whispered “I missed you, too.”

Kyle turned to Goggles. “Can I get you a coffee?”

“Sure,” Goggles smiled. “I’d like that.”

The Guitar Guy and ThatChickWithTheGoggles headed out in search of a coffee shop untouched by Dr. Insano’s reign of insanity, flirting with the idea of holding hands.

The Nostalgia Chick glared off Angry Joe and Spoony before they could make any offers, then turned around and had only an instant to widen her eyes before Marzgurl kissed her.

As the kiss deepened, the Nostalgia Chick felt her face beginning to redden. Everyone was watching them … well, everyone but Benzaie and Suede, who were currently locked in such a passionate embrace that you’d need a diagram to figure out whose legs were whose.

“Let’s go somewhere more private, mmkay?” the Nostalgia Chick suggested, blushing as Marzgurl took her hand.

“Sounds like a plan to me.”

They strode out, hand in hand, Marzgurl pausing to wrap her arm around the Chick’s waist before they disappeared around the corner.

“Dude, that’s so hot …” Spoony groaned to no one in particular.

“Yeah …” Angry Joe glanced at Spoony. “You wanna go get drunk and watch porn?”

“Yes!” Spoony nodded furiously, striding out of the room. “Hurry,” he added in an undertone as Joe jogged to catch up with him, “they might have stopped in the parking lot to make out some more!”

The Critic held out his hand to the Nerd. “All’s fair in love and war?”

Nodding, the Nerd took the Critic’s hand. “My place?”

“Hells yes!”

The two men raced each other down the stairs, shouting insults up at each other as they ran and nearly knocking over Spoony and Angry Joe on their way out.

Ma-Ti sighed. “I’m so alone …” he said to himself, heading down the hallway for the exit.

“Hey …” purred Raven from the doorway to the Harem.

Ma-Ti gulped. “Hi.” he squeaked.

Raven eyed him lasciviously and smirked, calling over her shoulder “Girls! There’s a man out here … a real man …” she turned back to Ma-Ti. “One who’s really interested in utilizing our … talents.”

Ma-Ti gulped again and tried to discreetly cover the front of his pants.

Raven tsk-tsked and beckoned him inside. “Come on, Real Man … we haven’t gotten fucked in ages …” she turned and walked into the room seductively.

Ma-Ti followed her inside. “Heart …” he muttered triumphantly to himself.

Raven shut the door.

The End?

Deep underground, in an ancient subway tunnel, a man strikes a match. The light flares briefly, flickering against his multicolored goggles.

“You may think you have defeated me, Linkara, but don’t get too comfortable! Once you have rebuilt the Earth, I shall materialize at your side and destroy it again! For SCIENCE!” the man laughed hysterically, coughing slightly. “Oh, but this broken body of mine is quite useless now, hardly worthy of humiliating you. Time to activate the backup!”

“Spoony?”

The vlogger closed his laptop and tossed a shirt over his webcam. “Coming, guys!” he called over his shoulder. “Just a minute!”

“Well, hurry up, the porn won’t watch itself!”

He laughed. “Yeah yeah …” Glancing up at his concealed webcam, the vlogger grinned. “Soon, the world will tremble anew at the return of Doctor Insano …”

Chuckling evilly to himself, he stood up and stretched. Dr. Insano was not gone … far from it, in fact.

Running his hands over his new body – physically similar to his old one, but still very different – Dr. Insano nodded to himself, gazing around at his new Lair.

He’d conquered the Earth before. He could do it again.

And this time, he wouldn’t be nearly so gentle with Linkara.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

P.S. This has fantastic potential for crazy fanart. *hinthint*